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CUT 2009/03/24 04:24
지금나의심정이어떤가를적어보려다가아무리적고또적고지우고또지워도매일매일끄적거리는졸렬하기짝이없는글이되기에나는처음부터끝까지백지로만들고나서오후여덟시부터지금까지무엇을했는가에대해적기시작했다.그러니까쓰리디트랙킹작업을끝내두었던십사씬첫번째컷트에신호등을합성하고깨작깨작마스크작업을하다가막걸리를서너잔먹고돌아와랜더링을걸고휴대폰게임을했다고,적었는데,역시나재미는커녕한심하기짝이없는나열식문장들만머릿속에서삐죽삐죽튀어나오는바람에김이새고말았다.그래서그럴바엔차라리나열이라도해야겠노라고마음먹었다.그렇게마음먹고나니속이편해진다.최소한꾸며내지는않게되기때문이다.문득몇해전에누군가가나에게했던말들이머릿속에구름처럼피어오르기시작한다.글을쓴다는것은철저하게자기자신을까발리는것이며자기자신을남들앞에노출시키는것을얼마나즐기느냐또한그노출증의병증의수위를어떻게조절하여유려하고매력적인문장으로끌어내는것이글을쓴다는것의본질이라는것이었는데그게정말로사실인지진실인지거짓인지아직은알길은없지만은나란인간은썩은내가풀풀나는속내를숨기고살아가는,그러니까나의병증에대해설명해보자면분명노출증은아니라는것이다.어쩌면언젠가는그것들을즐겼는지는모르겠으나이미치료되었을지도모르겠다는결론을말미에서금방도출해낼수있었다.더불어카메라뒤에는절대로숨을수없다는결론또한금방따라왔다.그렇다면과연나는어떻게살아갈것인가하는질문을해보기에이르렀다.이렇게인생의유예기간을깨작깨작늘려가며삼십대로접어들어국가산업생산성을저해하는사회문제적잉여인간으로전락하기전에하루빨리나라는인간을머리부터발끝까지개조하지않으면안된다고생각했다.뭔말을하고있는건지.언니네이발관을듣고있자니밑도끝도없는울증이밀려오는구나.
2009/03/24 04:24 2009/03/24 04:24
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